Saturday, 20 September 2003

风若停了云要怎么飞
你若走了我要怎么睡
心若破了你要怎么赔
若非你只是贪玩的蝴蝶

天都黑了你在想着谁
情都灭了我要怎么追
花都缩了你要怎么退
原来你只会让我流眼泪

整个世界突然一起天黑
爱在眼前无声崩溃
摔成粉碎

我闭上眼睛就是天黑
一种撕裂的感觉
嘴里泛着血腥滋味 多么伤的离别
我承认我最害怕天黑
梦被掏空的错觉
我已不再是你的谁 想到就会心碎

风若停了云要怎么飞
你若走了我要怎么睡
心若破了你要怎么赔

天黑－阿杜　词：林秋离　曲：洪典　专辑：天黑

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dreamed of racing on 1:39 am

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Saturday, 13 September 2003

hmmm, things are getting from bad to worse..
my dad's partner only come for less then an hour..
sometimes, he didn't come at all.. the cars have not been cleaned
nor started for days as i can't even start most of them today..
maybe due to the amount of stress, my colleagues notice the
different in me when i communicate with them.. they said i beginning to
talk with "more and more power.."

this morning, i talk to my dad about my colleague's plan..
but dad don't seem to go along with it.. he don't have much money
left after setting aside some for his evo8.. and he can't
really see into it too..


you made up your mind it was time it was over
after we had come so far
i would not have chosen the road you have taken
it has left us miles apart
i hope that in time you will find what you long for
love that's written in the stars
when you finally do i think you will see this
somewhere in my broken heart..

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dreamed of racing on 2:54 am

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Friday, 12 September 2003

「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」
倘若你爱上一个人，
千万别装作无所谓毫不在乎...
错过了，就没有了....
爱情，玩不起心理战的.......



~~树~~

高中三年交过五个女朋友，有一个女孩子，我很爱她，却迟迟不敢追，她没有美丽的面孔，
没有姣好的身材，没有撩人的魅力，一个再平凡不过的女孩子。 我喜欢她，真的真的很喜欢她，
喜欢她的单纯，她的直率，她的可爱，她的脆弱。



不追她的原因，也许是潜意识觉得平凡如她配不上我；也许是因为怕在一起后，一切好感都会消失；
也许是怕外人的指指点点伤害了她；也许是觉得，她会是我的，不急着为了她而放弃一切。



最后这个原因，让她陪了我三年，让她看着我和别的女孩子厮混了三年，让她心痛了三年。



她很想当一个好演员，但我却像一个严苛的导演。我和第二个女朋友在厕所接吻，被她撞见，
她尴尬的笑笑说：「Go on！」然后跑掉，第二天，她眼睛肿得像核桃 一样，我故意不去猜想
是谁让她哭成这样，嘲笑了她一天，她在所有人都回家后，在教室哭了起来，她不知道练球回来
拿东西的我，看了她一个多小时。



我的第四个女朋友，一直很不喜欢她，有次她们两个吵了起来，我知道依她的个性不会去惹事，
但我还是护着女朋友，她被我吼了一下后，愣住，眼泪滑了下来，我无视她的眼泪，陪女友走出教室，
第二天，她依旧嘻嘻哈哈的和我开玩笑，我知道她很难过，但她不会知道我的心不比她好受。



当我和第五个女朋友分手时，我约她出去玩，玩了一天，我对她说：「我有事要对妳说。」
她说：「真巧，我也有事要对你说。」「我和她分手了。」「我和他在一起了。」我知道「他」是谁，
他追她也有一阵子了，是个蛮可爱的男孩子，活泼有趣，充满了热情，追她追得满城风雨。
我不能表现自己的心痛，只能笑笑地恭喜她，但当我回到家，心中的痛楚强烈得令我无法承受，
像有个千斤重的石头压在我胸口，我无法呼吸，想大叫却叫不出来，眼泪竟然滑了下来，我掩面大哭，
多少次，我也看着她为了那个不愿承认的人掩面大哭。



毕业典礼时，我在手机上发现了一封简讯，这是十天前，我掩面大哭时传来的，只是我一直没有去开过机。
「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」



~~叶子~~

高中时，喜欢搜集叶子，why？因为我觉得，一片叶子要离开它长期依赖的树好勇敢哩！



高中三年，我和一个男孩子很好，不算男女朋友那种好，是好朋友那种好，但是，在他交第一个
女朋友时，我学会了一种不该有的感觉，吃醋，心中的酸，不是一颗柠檬可以比喻，那就像是100颗
臭酸的柠檬，酸到不行，他们只在一起两个月，当他们分手，我还得掩饰自己心中强烈的喜悦，
但是一个月后，他和另一个女孩子在一起。



我喜欢他，也知道他喜欢我，可是，他为什么总是不追我呢？明明喜欢彼此，为什么不行动？
每当他交一个女朋友，我就心痛一次，一次又一次的打击，让我不禁怀疑，是我一厢情愿吗？
不爱我，为什么要对我那么好？他对我的好，已经不是普通朋友可以做到。喜欢一个人，好难过，
我可以清楚的知道他的喜好，他的习惯，唯独他对我的感觉，我猜不透，难道要我这个女孩子去开口吗？



尽管如此，我还是想在他身边，关心他，陪他，爱他，也许算是一种等待的行为，等待他回来爱我，
就像每天晚上等他的电话，等他的简讯，我知道，就算他再忙，也会拨出一些时间给我。这样的等待，
陪了我三年，等待是难熬的，是令人想放弃的，但等到的那一剎那，让人第二天会继续等下去。
这样的煎熬，这样的痛苦，这样的幸福，这样的矛盾，陪了我三年。



直到三年级下学期，高二一个学弟喜欢上我，每天的热情追求，令我从一开始的拒绝，
渐渐愿意挪出我心房的一些位置给他。他像一阵温柔而持久的风，撩拨我这片摇摇欲坠的叶子，
到最后，我发现我已经不想只留一点点的位置给这阵风，我知道这阵风，会带我这片伤痕累累
的叶子，到更幸福的地方。



于是我离开了树，树只是笑笑，没有挽留。
「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」



~~风~~

因为我喜欢的女孩子叫叶子，因为她有一棵令她依恋的树，所以我要当一阵风，一阵呵护她的风。



第一次看见她，是高二我转来一个月后的事，个子小小的她坐在球场旁，一双眼凝视着
同和我在球场的学长，每天的社团时间，她总会坐在那里，一个人，和朋友，她的眼光依旧
凝视着他，当他和女孩子打打闹闹，她的眼中有泪，当他看向她，她的眼中有笑。
看她成了我的习惯，就像她爱看他。



有一天她没来，我心中没来由的焦虑与不安，我无法解释那种感觉，除了不安，还是不安，
而且那学长竟然也不在。我冲去他们教室，躲在外面，看着学长骂她，她的眼泪，他的离去。



第二天，她依旧坐在场边，看着他，我走过去，对她笑一笑，拿了张纸条给她，
她先是惊讶的看着我，然后笑笑地收下。



隔天，她拿着纸条出现在我面前，然后离开。
「叶子的心太沉重，风吹不动。」



「不是叶子的心太沉重，是叶子根本就不想离开树。」
我回给她这段话后，她渐渐会和我说话，收我的礼物，接我的电话。我知道她喜欢的不是我，
但我还是有毅力一定要让她喜欢上我，四个月内我告白了不下20次，每一次她都转移话题，
但我还是不会放弃，我决定要的人，我就一定会给它追过来！



一直到不知道第几次的告白，出了口，虽然知道她一定会又说到别的事，但还是有一丝丝
希望她的答应，没想到她都不说话...
「妳在干嘛？怎么不说话？」我对着话筒说。
「我在点头。」
「啊？」我不敢相信自己的耳朵。
「我在点头！」她大声叫。
我甩掉电话，匆匆披上一件衣服，上了机车，冲去她们家按门铃，当她开门的那一剎那，紧紧抱住她。



「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」



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dreamed of racing on 5:46 pm

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for the past few days, one of my colleague keep asking me to talk
with my dad regarding the opening of a new 2nd hand car trading biz..
he said that the current cars we selling are "cold stock".. some of the
cars are already losing money.. i really want to do something.. but
i can't.. and i don't know how to.. i can't think properly too..
i really feel like confiding all my problems to someone..
i could feel that im gona live my life to the lowest again..
its like back to square one.. juz like the way i am when i first meet my ex..
i was "dao" to her.. cos im living in my own world.. i remember being a
very boring person to her.. always told her no program, no friend to
go out with etc. but she bring my smiles and strength out of me.. :)
somehow she know that im keeping to myself.. maybe we are juz
too similiar.. how i wish she's here again..


I will love you till the end of time
every breath of mine, I'll hold you by my side
but I'll rest in peace, my sweet heart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
only you can stop the rain tonight
only you can make my world so bright,
life, no longer empty, with you in my heart.. in my heart..

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dreamed of racing on 1:44 am

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Thursday, 11 September 2003

today is the moon cake festival.. its a festival i've love since young..
carrying beautiful lanterns, lighting up candles, playing with those
small silly "bombs".. =) and not forgetting the moon cakes.. but
since i went into poly, i start to stop eating sweet food.. thus,
i don't really eat moon cakes anymore.. i find it too sweet..
the moon is always bright up high in the sky.. with glistering stars
covering the entire sky.. my ex love to go to the chinese garden to
look at those cute cute lanterns and lightings.. to me, moon cake
festival is a very warming festival.. its celebrate and enjoy by
every chinese.. children would play with candles and lanterns, and
the elders would help along with them.. couples would hold lanterns
and hands together.. :) isn't it a wonderful festival..


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dreamed of racing on 1:45 am

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Wednesday, 10 September 2003

i tink i need to do something to my dad biz..
the cars are not selling.. the salesmen are not happy..
one of my saleman even suggest tat i come out with
some money and start another biz elsewhere..
everyday is a waste of time there..
im getting sick..


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dreamed of racing on 2:26 am

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Tuesday, 9 September 2003

my small ger had reali left me for good this time..
i cried.. this is the 1st time i cry over a lost love..
then do i realised i'd hurt her sooo much..
cos i never know it'll be so hurting..
i know anyone reading this will hate me.. y am i so insensitive?
i can finally see how she felt in those sleepless nights..
it isn't a choice.. tears juz keep droping from my eyes..
i never know i could have so much tears..
i can't eat.. even though i know i should..
her image keep dangling in my mind..
her smile keep playing back in my mind..
i cant talk to my customers in the car mart..
i juz sit in 1 corner looking at our photo cards.. crying silently..
at times, i'll look outside the roads.. hoping to see her..
but i know she'll never be there..
im stupid huh.. i hate myself..
y dun i know how to cherish her?
she is an almost perfect girl..
y must i be so stubborn.. y must i be so straight?
y cant i see that she's juz being impulsive..
y must i take her impulsive actions or words so seriously..

i'd learned my lessons.. but the fee is too high.. i lost her..
i believe i'll never find a girl who love me as much as her..
im typing in tears.. how i hope i could have a shoulder to cry on..


dreamed of racing on 9:59 am

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Monday, 8 September 2003

a moment of anger, a life of despair
a second of sadness i could hardly bear..
what had blinded me and numbed my heart
from her precious love and her lovely touch..

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dreamed of racing on 1:46 am

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