Tuesday, 30 April 2013

What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage



AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. "Have you seen
my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie,
at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.

In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined
the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, "Don't worry, they'll turn up."
But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a
full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.

Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a
technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

I love my husband. He's well read, adventurous and does a hysterical rendition of a northern
Vermont accent that still cracks me up after 12 years of marriage.

But he also tends to be forgetful, and is often tardy and mercurial. He hovers around me in the
kitchen asking if I read this or that piece in The New Yorker when I'm trying to concentrate
on the simmering pans. He leaves wadded tissues in his wake. He suffers from serious bouts of
spousal deafness but never fails to hear me when I mutter to myself on the other side of the house.
"What did you say?" he'll shout.

These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, but in sum they began to
dull my love for Scott. I wanted — needed — to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him
into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants,
a mate who would be easier to love.

So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him.
By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior worse: he'd drive faster instead of slower;
shave less frequently, not more; and leave his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor longer
than ever.

We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. She didn't understand what we
were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on how well we communicated. I gave up.
I guessed she was right — our union was better than most — and resigned myself to stretches
of slow-boil resentment and occasional sarcasm.

Then something magical happened. For a book I was writing about a school for exotic animal
trainers, I started commuting from Maine to California, where I spent my days watching students
do the seemingly impossible: teaching hyenas to pirouette on command, cougars to offer their
paws for a nail clipping, and baboons to skateboard.

I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants
to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable
species, the American husband.

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like
and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of
its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into the hamper. If he threw
in two, I'd kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over any soiled clothes on the floor without one
sharp word, though I did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my
appreciation, the piles became smaller.

I was using what trainers call "approximations," rewarding the small steps toward learning a
whole new behavior. You can't expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session,
just as you can't expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by
praising him once for picking up a single sock. With the baboon you first reward a hop, then
a bigger hop, then an even bigger hop. With Scott the husband, I began to praise every small
act every time: if he drove just a mile an hour slower, tossed one pair of shorts into the hamper,
or was on time for anything.

I also began to analyze my husband the way a trainer considers an exotic animal. Enlightened
trainers learn all they can about a species, from anatomy to social structure, to understand how
it thinks, what it likes and dislikes, what comes easily to it and what doesn't. For example, an
elephant is a herd animal, so it responds to hierarchy. It cannot jump, but can stand on its head.
It is a vegetarian.

The exotic animal known as Scott is a loner, but an alpha male. So hierarchy matters, but being
in a group doesn't so much. He has the balance of a gymnast, but moves slowly, especially when
getting dressed. Skiing comes naturally, but being on time does not. He's an omnivore, and
what a trainer would call food-driven.

Once I started thinking this way, I couldn't stop. At the school in California, I'd be scribbling
notes on how to walk an emu or have a wolf accept you as a pack member, but I'd be thinking,
"I can't wait to try this on Scott."

On a field trip with the students, I listened to a professional trainer describe how he had taught
African crested cranes to stop landing on his head and shoulders. He did this by training the
leggy birds to land on mats on the ground. This, he explained, is what is called an "incompatible
behavior," a simple but brilliant concept.

Rather than teach the cranes to stop landing on him, the trainer taught the birds something else,
a behavior that would make the undesirable behavior impossible. The birds couldn't alight on the
mats and his head simultaneously.

At home, I came up with incompatible behaviors for Scott to keep him from crowding me
while I cooked. To lure him away from the stove, I piled up parsley for him to chop or cheese
for him to grate at the other end of the kitchen island. Or I'd set out a bowl of chips and salsa
across the room. Soon I'd done it: no more Scott hovering around me while I cooked.

I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least
reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't
respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then
returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior
provokes no response, it typically dies away.

In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott!"

It was only a matter of time before he was again tearing around the house searching for his keys,
at which point I said nothing and kept at what I was doing. It took a lot of discipline to maintain
my calm, but results were immediate and stunning. His temper fell far shy of its usual pitch and
then waned like a fast-moving storm. I felt as if I should throw him a mackerel.

Now he's at it again; I hear him banging a closet door shut, rustling through papers on a chest
in the front hall and thumping upstairs. At the sink, I hold steady. Then, sure enough, all goes quiet.
A moment later, he walks into the kitchen, keys in hand, and says calmly, "Found them."

Without turning, I call out, "Great, see you later."

Off he goes with our much-calmed pup.

After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier
to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol
of how he didn't care enough about me. But thinking of my husband as an exotic species gave me
the distance I needed to consider our differences more objectively.

I adopted the trainers' motto: "It's never the animal's fault." When my training attempts failed,
I didn't blame Scott. Rather, I brainstormed new strategies, thought up more incompatible behaviors
and used smaller approximations. I dissected my own behavior, considered how my actions might
inadvertently fuel his. I also accepted that some behaviors were too entrenched, too instinctive to
train away. You can't stop a badger from digging, and you can't stop my husband from losing his
wallet and keys.

PROFESSIONALS talk of animals that understand training so well they eventually use it back
on the trainer. My animal did the same. When the training techniques worked so beautifully, I
ouldn't resist telling my husband what I was up to. He wasn't offended, just amused. As I explained
the techniques and terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized.

Last fall, firmly in middle age, I learned that I needed braces. They were not only humiliating, but
also excruciating. For weeks my gums, teeth, jaw and sinuses throbbed. I complained frequently
and loudly. Scott assured me that I would become used to all the metal in my mouth. I did not.

One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how uncomfortable I was, Scott just
looked at me blankly. He didn't say a word or acknowledge my rant in any way, not even with
a nod.

I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized what was happening, and I
turned and asked, "Are you giving me an L. R. S.?" Silence. "You are, aren't you?"

He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He'd begun to train me, the American
wife.

Amy Sutherland is the author of "Kicked, Bitten and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the Premier
School for Exotic Animal Trainers" (Viking, June 2006). She lives in Boston and in Portland, Me.

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dreamed of racing on 11:00 am

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Sunday, 28 April 2013

真的不忍心告诉你，这个世界只是一个梦。
你一辈子执着的子女，只是你的一个缘。
你一辈子放不下的家庭，只是你生命里的一个驿站。
你所追逐的感情和名利只是一个自我意识的幻影。
梦醒时分，空空如也。满世界都是你的，整个世界又都是空的。

————大宝法王噶玛巴尊者

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dreamed of racing on 10:24 am

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Monday, 22 April 2013

寻寻觅觅，冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚。
乍暖还寒时候，最难将息。
三杯两盏淡酒，怎敌他、晚来风急？
雁过也，正伤心，却是旧时相识。
满地黄花堆积。憔悴损，如今有谁堪摘？
守著窗儿， 独自怎生得黑？
梧桐更兼细雨，到黄昏、点点滴滴。
这次第，怎一个、愁字了得！
独处陋室若有所失地东寻西觅，眼前只剩下冷冷清清，
于是凄凉、惨痛、悲戚之情一齐涌来。
深秋骤热又骤冷的时候，最难以调养静息。
喝几杯清淡的薄酒，怎能抵挡晚上大而急的寒风。
正在伤心之时，传书的大雁飞过去了，却原来是以前就相识的。
地上到处是零落的黄花，憔悴枯损，没有人有摘花的兴致。
守在窗子边，孤孤单单的，怎样捱到天黑啊！
细雨打在梧桐上，一直下到黄昏时分，绵绵细雨还是发出点点滴滴的声音。
这种光景，一个愁字怎么能概括得了！

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dreamed of racing on 9:20 pm

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Friday, 19 April 2013

來自破裂家庭的周杰倫「願意為媽媽付出一切」。 周杰倫，萬千青少年為他的歌聲
而癡迷、崇拜的一位天皇巨星，對母親葉惠美有著似海深情，因為在他最孤獨最無助
的時候，是媽媽用溫暖的臂膀支撐著他。 所以周杰倫一直說，「只要媽媽高興，
我願意為她付出一切！」

音樂天才破裂的家 周杰倫出生於1979年1月，媽媽葉惠美是台北淡江小學的美術老師，
爸爸是淡江中學的物理老師。 周杰倫4歲讀幼稚園時，葉惠美把他送到淡江山葉幼兒
音樂班學鋼琴。 平時活潑好動的小杰倫一站到鋼琴面前，竟是出奇的安靜，聽老師
彈奏一遍自己就能復彈出來，老師告訴葉惠美，這孩子很有天分！

為了培養杰倫的音樂素質，葉惠美主張拿出家裡全部積蓄為杰倫買一架好鋼琴，
請最好的鋼琴老師為杰倫輔導。而杰倫的爸爸則認為不必這麼認真，男孩子嘛，
隨意一點，沒必要拿出全部積蓄投資。 最後，葉惠美還是背著丈夫為杰倫買了一架
鋼琴，弄得杰倫爸很不高興。 小學三年級時，杰倫偶然聽到世界名曲《天鵝湖》，
被大提琴憂傷淒美的曲調迷住了，葉惠美沒和丈夫商量又為杰倫購買了大提琴。

杰倫爸對妻子葉惠美「孤注一擲」的做法嗤之以鼻，他回家就指責葉惠美的不是，
家庭裡的溫馨越來越少，爭吵越來越多。 杰倫不知道爸爸為什麼總要找媽媽吵鬧，
他用自己稚嫩的詩行記下他的困惑和傷感：「從小到大只有媽媽的溫暖為什麼我
爸爸那麼兇，如果真的我有一雙翅膀兩雙翅膀隨時出發。偷偷出發我一定帶走我
媽媽……」這傷感的詩行杰倫後來為它譜了曲，就是那首令萬千歌迷傷感的
《爸，我回來了》。

周杰倫初中二年級時，父母終於離婚。 14歲的周杰倫寫道：「爸爸媽媽彼此沒有愛，
難道這就是生命的真諦？」 沉默、倔強和叛逆已經塑造了另一個周杰倫。周杰倫
有音樂天賦，但功課卻很糟。高中聯考總分只有100多分，連普通高中也沒考上，
前途一片黯淡，母子倆相對無言，難道兒子就這麼完了？恰好淡江中學第一屆音樂班
正在招生，周杰倫考上了。 因為彈得一手好鋼琴，拉得一手好大提琴，又時常活躍
在籃球場上，周杰倫成為許多女同學關注和談論的對象。

但是，周杰倫卻常常面無表情，很少露出一絲笑容，除了音樂成績出類拔萃以外，
其它科目成績幾乎全線紅字，老師們紛紛認為他智力低下，他的英語老師甚至直言
不諱對葉惠美說：「周杰倫有智力障礙。」 葉惠美陷入了深深的思索，她還是決定
要把杰倫培養成才，至少當一個鋼琴師吧。 葉惠美沒有指責杰倫，她認為杰倫走到
今天冷漠、叛逆的地步是家庭的不和睦造成的，並且深信自己的孩子沒有智力障礙，
於是她嚐試用姐弟式的關心來「馴服」周杰倫，規定自己「三不」：不嘮叨、
不指責、不脅迫兒子。

果然如老師們的預測，周杰倫沒有考上大學。 葉惠美多方打聽後，鼓勵杰倫去考
台北大學音樂系，結果他沒有被錄取。周杰倫咬著牙考第二次，還是失敗了。
 媽媽和外婆外公都為杰倫的前途擔憂，這孩子究竟將來能幹什麼呢？極度迷惘的
周杰倫無所事事，只好等待服海軍兵役，這期間，竟得了殭直性脊椎炎，令人沮喪
的是這種病無法根治，只能靠藥物緩解，到了晚期全身甚至會像殭屍一樣僵硬，
也可能導致癱瘓。葉惠美和外婆說起杰倫就垂淚。

病緩解一些後，周杰倫到一家餐廳打工，作為端盤工的他因為時常打翻菜盤，
每個月的工資幾乎被扣掉了一半。 餐廳中有一台鋼琴，一次閒暇時周杰倫彈了
一曲《蕭邦舞曲》，把老闆驚呆了，老闆靈機一動，叫周杰倫不要端盤子了，
就在餐廳彈琴，然後請來電視台記者炒作，不但使得餐廳生意火爆起來，還節約了
一大筆請鋼琴師的費用。

葉惠美感受到了杰倫的音樂潛能，她替兒子在台北星光電視台娛樂節目「超猛新人王」
報了名。 周杰倫精心創作了一首歌曲《夢有翅膀》，但他對自己的演唱實在沒信心，
請了一位歌手演唱。 演唱者不能理解他的曲風，而他的鋼琴伴奏又顯得怪異，弄得
台下聽眾噓聲一片，初出茅廬的一場表演徹底搞砸了。

 葉惠美急了，性格內向的她鼓起勇氣找到了主持人吳宗憲，把《夢有翅膀》的曲譜
拿給他看。 吳宗憲當時是台灣阿爾發音樂公司的老闆，他對周杰倫的第一印象並不好，
應付似的拿起曲譜掃了一眼，卻是眼睛一亮，歌譜不僅抄寫得工工整整，而且譜得
十分複雜。 慧眼的他立即改變了主意：「這孩子還可以，明天叫他到我公司來上班！」

周杰倫進了音樂公司任音樂製作助理，在媽媽的鼓勵下，每天主動幫同事們買盒飯，
大家對這個沉默寡言但又勤快的小伙子有了好感。 而葉惠美總擔心杰倫冷漠而倔強，
又不善言辭，生怕他無意中把老闆和員工們得罪了，於是常常在下班時間站在公司
門口，準備一些可口的比薩、炸雞送給員工，請他們包涵杰倫。 一來二往，葉惠美
對公司員工比周杰倫還熟悉，同事們都知道周杰倫有一個好媽媽。

周杰倫很快創作出大量的歌曲，但讓吳宗憲感到不可理解的是，他創作的歌詞總是
怪怪的，音樂圈內幾乎沒有人喜歡。 一次，周杰倫又拿著自己的得意之作送給吳宗憲
審讀。 這次吳宗憲連看都不看，便將那首歌曲揉成一團，隨手丟進身邊的垃圾桶裡
去了。周杰倫的眼淚禁不住流了出來。

是放棄還是繼續？媽媽每天來公司門口已經成為一道風景線，如果放棄，太對不起
媽媽了，周杰倫硬著頭皮支撐著，他吃住都在辦公室，以每天一首歌的速度進行創作。
 葉惠美每天晚上都到公司看望杰倫，望著日漸消瘦的兒子，她強忍著不讓自己的
淚水流出來，儘量說一些鼓勵的開心的話，然後將杰倫換下的髒衣服拿回去洗乾淨。

一連一個多月，吳宗憲每天早上八點鐘上班時，總能準時見到周杰倫新的作品。
終於，他被這位小伙子的勤奮和天賦深深地感動了，他「嗅」出了周杰倫的歌曲
隱隱有一種味道，答應找歌手演唱他創作的歌曲。

吳宗憲將周杰倫的《眼淚知道》推薦給天王歌星劉德華，劉德華看了一眼就拒絕了。
 不久，又將他的《雙節棍》推薦給火爆華語歌壇的張惠妹，沒料想，張惠妹也毫不
猶豫地拒絕了。 吳宗憲決定給周杰倫最後一次機會，讓他自己演唱自己創作的歌曲，
如果這樣也不行，他就只好請周杰倫走人了！ 他將周杰倫叫到辦公室，十分鄭重
地說：「阿倫，給你10天的時間，如果你能寫出50首歌，而我可以從中挑出10首，
那麼我就幫你出唱片。」

老闆的話刺激得周杰倫興奮不已，他打電話告訴媽媽後就跑到街上買回一大箱方便麵。
他想，就是拼了命，也要做最後的搏擊。周杰倫熬紅了雙眼如約寫出了50首歌曲，
而且每一首都寫得結構合理，譜得工工整整。 吳宗憲終於有了讚許的笑容，他挑選出
10首，2001年初製成了周杰倫的第一張專輯《杰倫》。

公司對這張唱片沒抱多大希望，能收回製作成本就算不錯了。 然而《杰倫》橫空出世
後，猶如一場猛烈的颱風橫掃台灣，很快被歌迷搶購一空。 《杰倫》一舉奪得台灣
當年最佳流行音樂演唱專輯、最佳製作人和最佳作曲人三項大獎。 《杰倫》的成功
讓公司始料不及，讓台灣的歌星們大跌眼鏡，紛紛詢問哪裡冒出來的周杰倫？

如果說第一張專輯小有成就的話，那麼，周杰倫第二張專輯《范特西》已經形成了風暴，
席捲了大陸、港台、東南亞整個華語歌壇，各種大獎紛至沓來。周杰倫終於成功了，
他深深明白，沒有媽媽黑暗中明燈般的溫暖，他支撐不到今天，媽媽為他一直未再嫁，
點點滴滴都是舐犢之情。 他將所有的收入都交給媽媽掌管，儘管自己有了公寓，
每個週末依然回家，同媽媽、外婆一起享受天倫之樂。 葉惠美更是百感交集，當年
丈夫的譏諷、老師的搖頭、生活的艱辛都隨風而去。

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dreamed of racing on 2:23 pm

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Thursday, 18 April 2013

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dreamed of racing on 5:52 pm

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Monday, 15 April 2013

 

【家庭幸福分享站】分享：洋媳婦的教育方法...令中國婆婆大開眼界~
網路文章 兒子去美國留學，畢業後定居美國。還給我找了個洋媳婦蘇珊。
如今，小孫子托比已經3歲了。今年夏天，兒子為我申請了探親簽證。
在美國待了三個月，洋媳婦蘇珊教育孩子的方法，令我這個中國婆婆大開眼界。 

@不吃飯就餓著 每天早上，托比醒來後，蘇珊把早餐往餐桌上一放，
就自顧自地忙去了。 托比會自己爬上凳子，喝牛奶，吃麵包片。吃飽後，
他回自己的房間，在衣櫃裏找衣服、鞋子，再自己穿上。 畢竟托比只有3歲，
還搞不清楚襪子的正反面，分不清鞋子的左右腳。有一次托比又把褲子穿反了，
我趕緊上前想幫他換，卻被蘇珊制止了。 她說，如果他覺得不舒服，會自己
脫下來，重新穿好；如果他沒覺得有什麼不舒服，那就隨他的便。 那一整天，
托比反穿著褲子跑來跑去，蘇姍像沒看見一樣。 又一次，托比出去和鄰居家的
小朋友玩，沒多大會就氣喘吁吁地跑回家，對蘇珊說：「媽媽，露西說我的
褲子穿反了，真的嗎？」露西是鄰居家的小姑娘，今年5歲。

蘇姍笑著說：「是的，你要不要換回來？」托比點點頭，自己脫下褲子，
仔細看了看，重新穿上了。從那以後，托比再也沒穿反過褲子。 我不禁想起，
我的外孫女五六歲時不會用筷子，上小學時不會繫鞋帶。如今在上寄宿制初中
的她，每個週末都要帶回家一大堆髒衣服呢。 一天中午，托比鬧情緒，不肯
吃飯。蘇珊說了他幾句，憤怒地小托比一把將盤子推到了地上，盤子裏的食物
灑了一地。 蘇姍看著托比，認真地說：「看來你確實不想吃飯！記住，從現在
到明天早上，你什麼都不能吃。」托比點點頭，堅定地回答：「Yes!」

我在心裏暗笑，這母子倆，還都挺倔！ 下午，蘇珊和我商量，晚上由我做
中國菜。我心領神會，托比特別愛吃中國菜，一定是蘇珊覺得托比中午沒好好
吃飯，想讓他晚上多吃點兒。 那天晚上我施展廚藝，做了托比最愛吃的糖醋
裏脊、油悶大蝦，還用義大利麵做了中國式的涼麵。 托比最喜歡吃那種涼麵，
小小的人可以吃滿滿一大盤。 開始吃晚飯了，托比歡天喜地地爬上凳子。
蘇珊卻走過來，拿走了他的盤子和刀叉，說：「我們已經約好了，今天你不能
吃飯，你自己也答應了的。」 托比看著面容嚴肅的媽媽，“哇”地一聲在哭起來，
邊哭邊說：「媽媽，我餓，我要吃飯。」「不行，說過的話要算數。」蘇珊
毫不心軟。

我心疼了，想替托比求情，說點好話，卻見兒子對我使眼色。想起我剛到美國
時，兒子就跟我說，在美國，父母教育孩子時，別人千萬不要插手，即使是
長輩也不例外。無奈，我只好保持沉默。 那頓飯，從始至終，可憐的小托比
一直坐在玩具車裏，眼巴巴地看著我們三個大人狼吞虎嚥。我這才明白蘇珊
讓我做中餐的真正用意。 我相信，下一次，托比想發脾氣扔飯碗時，一定會
想起自己餓著肚子看爸爸媽媽和奶奶享用美食的經歷。餓著肚子的滋味不好受，
況且還是面對自己最喜愛的食物。

臨睡前，我和蘇珊一起去向托比道晚安。 托比小心翼翼地問：「媽媽，我很餓，
現在我能吃中國麵嗎？」蘇珊微笑著搖搖頭，堅決地說：「不！」托比歎了
口氣，又問：「那等我睡完覺睜開眼睛時，可以吃嗎？」 「當然可以。」
蘇珊溫柔地回答。托比甜甜地笑了。 大部分情況下，托比吃飯都很積極，
他不想因為“罷吃”而錯過食物，再受餓肚子的苦。 每當看到托比埋頭大口大口
地吃飯，嘴上臉上粘的都是食物時，我就想起外孫女。 她像托比這麼大時，
為了哄她吃飯，幾個大人端著飯碗跟在她屁股後面跑，她還不買賬，還要談
條件：吃完這碗買一個玩具，再吃一碗買一個玩具……

@以其人之道，還治其人這身 有一天，我們帶托比去公園玩。很快，托比
就和兩個女孩兒玩起了廚房遊戲。塑膠小鍋、小鏟子、小盤子、小碗擺了一地。
忽然，淘氣的托比拿起小鍋，使勁在一個女孩兒頭上敲了一下，女孩兒愣了
一下，放聲大哭。另一個女孩兒年紀更小一些，見些情形，也被嚇得大哭起來。
大概托比沒想到會有這麼嚴重的後果，站在一旁，愣住了。 蘇珊走上前，
開清了事情的來龍去脈後，她一聲不吭，拿起小鍋，使勁敲到托比的頭上，
托比沒防備，一下子跌坐在草地上，哇哇大哭起來。蘇珊問托比：「疼嗎？
下次還這樣嗎？”托比一邊哭，一邊拼命搖頭。我相信他以後再也不會這麼做了。

托比的舅舅送了他一輛淺藍色的小自行車，托比非常喜歡，當成寶貝，不許
別人碰。鄰居小姑娘露西是托比的好朋友，央求托比好幾次，要騎他的小車，
托比都沒答應。 一次，幾個孩子一起玩時，露西趁托比不注意，偷偷騎上小車，
揚長而去。托比發現後，氣憤地跑來向蘇珊告狀。 蘇珊正和幾個孩子的母親
一起聊天喝咖啡，便微笑著說：「你們的事情自己解決，媽媽可管不了。」

托比無奈地走了。 過了一小會兒，露西騎著小車回來了。托比看到露西，一把
將她推倒在地，搶過了小車。露西坐在地上大哭起來。蘇珊抱起露西，安撫了她
一會兒。很快，露西就和別的小朋友興高采烈地玩了起來。 托比自己騎了會車，
覺得有些無聊，看到那幾個孩子玩得那麼高興，他想加入，又覺得有些不好意思。
他蹭到蘇珊身邊，嘟囔道：「媽媽，我想跟露西他們一起玩。」 蘇珊不動聲色
地說：「那你自己去找他們啦！」 「媽媽，你陪我一起去。」托比懇求道。
「那可不行，剛才是你把露西弄哭的，現在你又想和大家玩，就得自己去解決
問題。」

托比騎著小車慢慢靠近露西，快到她身邊時，又掉頭回來。來回好幾次，不知道
從什麼時候開始，托比和露西又笑顏逐開，鬧成了一團。 @管教孩子是父母的事
蘇珊的父母住在加利福尼亞州，聽說我來了，兩人開車來探望我們。家裏來了
客人，托比很興奮，跑上跑下地亂竄。 他把玩沙子用的小桶裝滿了水，提著小桶
在屋裏四處轉悠。蘇珊警告了她好幾次，不要把水灑到地板上，托比置若罔聞。
最後，托比還是把水桶弄倒了，水灑了一地。興奮的小托比不覺得自己做錯了事，
還得意地光著腳丫踩水玩，把褲子全弄濕了。 我連忙找出拖把準備拖地。

蘇珊從我手中搶過拖把交給托比，對他說：「把地拖乾，把濕衣服脫下來，
自己洗乾淨。」 托比不願意，又哭又鬧。蘇珊二話不說，直接把他拉到貯藏室，
關了禁閉。聽到托比在裏面發出驚天動地的哭喊，我心疼壞了，想進去把他抱
出來。托比的外婆卻攔住我，說：「這是蘇珊的事。」 過了一會兒，托比不哭了，
他在貯藏室裏大聲喊：「媽媽，我錯了。」 蘇珊站在門外，問：「那你知道該
怎麼做了嗎？」「我知道。」

蘇珊打開門，托比從貯藏室走出來，臉上還掛著兩行淚珠。他拿起有他兩個高的
拖把吃力地把地上的水拖乾淨。然後，他脫下褲子，拎在手上，光著屁股走進
洗手間，稀裏嘩啦地洗起衣服來。 托比的外公外婆看著表情驚異的我，意味深長地
笑了。 這件事讓我感觸頗深。在很多中國家庭，父母管教孩子時，常常會引起
“世界大戰”，往往是外婆外公護，爺爺奶奶攔，夫妻吵架，雞飛狗跳。

後來，我和托比的外公外婆聊天時，提到這件事，托比的外公說了一段話，
讓我印象深刻。 他說，孩子是父母的孩子，首先要尊重父母對孩子的教育方式。
孩子雖然小，卻是天生的外交家，當他看到家庭成員之間出現分歧時，他會很
聰明地鑽空子。 這不僅對改善他的行為毫無益處，反而會導致問題越來越嚴重，
甚至帶來更多別的問題。而且，家庭成員之間發生衝突，不和諧的家庭氛圍會
帶給孩子更多的不安全感，對孩子的心理發展產生不利影響。 所以，無論是父輩
與祖輩在教育孩子的問題上發生分歧，還是夫妻兩人的教育觀念有差異，都不能
在孩子面前發生衝突。

托比的外公外婆在家裏住了一周，準備回加利福尼亞了。臨走前兩天，托比的
外公鄭重地問女兒：「托比想要一輛玩具挖掘機，我可以買給他嗎？」 蘇珊想了想，
說：「你們這次來，已經送給他一雙旱冰鞋作為禮物了，到耶誕節時，再買玩具
挖掘機當禮物送給他吧！」 我不知道托比的外公是怎麼告訴小傢伙的，後來我帶
托比去超市，他指著玩具挖掘機說：「外公說，耶誕節時，給我買這個當禮物。」
語氣裏滿是欣喜和期待。 雖然蘇珊對托比如此嚴格，托比卻對媽媽愛得不得了。
他在外面玩時，會採集一些好看的小花或者他認為漂亮的葉子，鄭重其事地送給
媽媽；別人送給他禮物，他會叫媽媽和他一起拆開；有什麼好吃的，也總要留
一半給媽媽。 想到很多中國孩子對父母的漠視與冷淡，我不得不佩服我的洋媳婦。
在我看來，在教育孩子的問題上，美國媽媽有很多值得中國媽媽學習的地方。

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dreamed of racing on 6:01 pm

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suddenly thought of this song by 郑秀文－哭泣游戏.. its an old song in the late 90s..
the trigger of this song is cos of this girl who suddenly call me from an infamous
online social media..

from the start, i'd already start to doubt her.. especially when she told me she never
work initially.. when that don't work, she start to tell me how poor she is, she don't
have money for food, transport, debts etc.. haha.. too bad, i'm not so naive and silly..

this whole saga make me think that its like a crying game isn't it.. lolz..

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dreamed of racing on 3:17 pm

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Sunday, 14 April 2013

the one after gangnam style..



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dreamed of racing on 7:27 pm

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Wednesday, 10 April 2013

like the buddha said, the world is going into a chaos state 末法时代.. just look at
the news everyday.. most of them are negative.. corruptions are the hardest hit for
Singapore recently.. lots of such cases over sex and money, which are the biggest
weak point of human.. how many people really have self-control?

law prof Tey Tsun Hang sex for grade case, CNB Ng Boon Gay blowjob case,
Kong Hee City Harvest $23 millions corruption, former S-League coach embezzle
$170k, 3 Lebanese refs free sex for match fixing, 2 law enforcer, 1 staff sgt from
SPF, 1 senior investing officer from Manpower both charged with corruptly obtaining
sexual flavours etc.. too many to list la..

recently, im chatting with these 2 girls, 1 is 4 years older then me, another is 9 years
younger.. i initiate the chat with the older one, cos i don't mind a woman age.. but
i was quite surprised that a young girl will come and chat with me.. and some more
chat with me in chinese..

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dreamed of racing on 10:22 am

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